Thursday, January 17, 2008

Past Month

Well since the last time i wrote alot has changed and gone on. On December 19th,2007 at 9:24am i gave birth to a beautiful boy named Caden Daniel. I had a hard labor and it ended in c-section but as soon as i heard his cry all i could do was smile and cry myself. He was healthy and a good looking baby. I know i was so excited everything went well and no problems were brought along. I know this an important day because i was giving birth to a beautiful boy to be raised by the best parents that there could ever be.. Josh and Heidi. I remember waking up in the hospital room seeing my room full of people and there Caden was just being taken care of while i was recovering and then i saw Josh and Heidi walk in the room and that made my day. I was so ready for them to be there and couldnt wait because knew their long drive was over and i had a son to give to them. They mean so much to me and i can never say thank you enough to them for everything they have done for me and they are the bestthings in my life besides caden. I have told them several times that Caden was meant to be their son. While staying in the hospital i felt alot better knowing that they were there with me and it meant alot to me for them to be there with me as well. I know at the end of the pregnancy i kept them posted and at the hospital i made sure my brother or dad called them to tell them the new things the doctor had said. When i left the hospital i was so glad that i was still able to spend the next week with Josh, Heidi, and Caden. I spent alot of time with them and it meant alot to me. I was always making sure they were alright and just wanted them to feel at home because my house will always be their house as well. So after they were able to go home when the paperwork was finished i know that was the hardest day because i knew that they werent going to be home when i got home but i knew they had a home and everything was going to be alright there. i knew that Caden was in good hands and that has never been a concern to me. I want the best for Caden and i gave him the best he could ask for. I know he will understand one day the great blessings he is getting. I know ive been doing alright and people have been real supportive and that has helped through the whole process. There are times when i hear a song or look at his pictures again and i get emotional but all i do is think of the good things ive done and it helps lift my spirit. I know itsa hard decision to make in life but it takes a strong mother with lots of love to do it. All the birthmothers that have done this just like me are so strong and i give a hug to all of those going through what i am going through. its not easy to do at all but its comfort that will help you move on. I know when i go back to school that Caden is my motivation for meto do good in life because i want him to see all the good things ive done. I want him to be proud of me. I want Josh and Heidi to know i love them so much and i just cant ever thank them enough. Thats just a fewthoughts on my mind for this past month and i wanted to give an update since its been a while.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Many different thoughts


I tell you one thing, Caden is still sitting in the oven baking and taking his time and boy am i ready to see this precious baby. I went to church today which i thought i was going to go because it was really cold but i felt up to it and i even stayed all three hours. There were several people there i havent seen in a while because i havent been in a month but it went better than i thought. The whole situation im in and the adoption i thought there were going to be several people saying several things or giving their thoughts and announcing certain things but they never said anything. So it made me feel alot better about certain situations and more ready. I know its getting really close to christmas and caden is still in me and im hoping he makes his apperance before then but if not i know josh and heidi will get a great christmas gift and it will be a good one for me to give but also a very hard one. This whole situation is a biter sweet one for me. I really dont know what to expect or how im going to feel at all and im scared about that much. I dont know how its going to be at all and then the period after that ive heard several different opinions and i hope its not to hard for me. I hope i dont get depressed like alot of people say. I already know its going to hard but i hope i can be strong and not get to bad. i guess its just a wait and see process. I was on the way home from church and just thinking about caden leaving the hospital and seeing him leave with josh and heidi i think is going to be the hardest and me even leaving the hospital with him not in my arms is going to be hard. i know he is going to leave the hospital un a very cute outfit. It will be just fine for him because i know today it was 37 degrees and that is WAY cold so now its not hot anymore and he will need long sleeves. I was getting a little worried about a week ago thinking it was going ot be hott all month. I thought yesterday was going to be the day for Caden to come because alot of men(boys) dont like to shop and my mother and i went shopping all day and we were saying he can come out so he can rest instead of shopping but nope he didnt come. Well i know im ready to see caden and there are several others and well and i just hope he comes healthy and ready to explore the world.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Counting Down the Days




Well this is the first time starting this and I've learned about this through Josh and Heidi. They are just amazing people and I hope they know how much i really do love them. All three of us are counting down the days to our son Caden Daniel to be born. He is due is 7 days and boy i wish he would choose to come now because we are all ready. Josh and Heidi are going to be great parents to him and i know that because they are so caring and sweet. I met Josh and Heidi through LDS servies and thats the adoption agency I've gone through. I've chosen adoption for Caden because this is what is best for him in his life right now and i want him to have all the blessings i was able to have. It takes a person who cares about someone so much to do something that is best for them and not to be selfish. I know my feelings about this has been up and down throughout the whole process but that is normal. I dont think i would be a normal person if it was hard for me at all. There will be emotions and i know especially after I've carried him for these nine months and felt his little(not so little though) kicks and his tossing and turning. It is just a cool feeling to feel this little child inside of you moving but as these months have come to and end I'm kinda ready for him to come out because it just gets so uncomfortable. I know this little boy will be loved throughout his life and not just loved by a few i know by many. He is going to have someone that is always thinking about him and wants best for him in his life. I know Caden is a blessing that will bless josh and heidi's life in so many ways. I want them to know that it just seems like this whole year that i have been through with Demetrious that it seems like i have gone through it for them. I feel like this baby was meant for them and i know they will have so many good times with him. All i can say is these last few days is a killer because Caden is just sitting in there just relaxing and is saying he is coming when he wants to but everyone in the world is saying its alright to come NOW. I cant wait to see him and to give him a hug and kiss and to let him know how much i love him no matter what goes on in his life later on. I know he will go through struggles but just hope for the best for him and hope he doesnt have to go through what ive been through in my life. I wish the best for him and hope he always knows how much i love him.